Wow 6 years ago Charlie we were enjoying our first day with you. You came into our lives so quickly, and today we talked about all the little things me and Daddy remember, but haven’t always talked about. We remember the night before and going to hospital, only to be sent home, that Daddy went to sleep, only for me to wake him after an hour. I remember being frozen to the spot as you arrived, Daddy was so calm, although really I think he was petrified. I remember being cold in the bathroom as the shock set in from your quick arrival, the paramedics arriving. Most of all I can remember holding you, that soft fuzzy hair you had. How you would snuggle on my left shoulder more than my right. What I wouldn’t give for that again.
Your birthday this year has given us the opportunity to think of a positive way to celebrate your birth. We have today gifted 6 boxes of random acts of kindness. Each year as you age the number of gifts will rise. We have decided each year we will gift one to a professional who was involved in your care, one to a family member or friend, and the remaining gifts will be random.
So this year we gifted to the consultant who worked so hard to bring you back to us. She is an amazing lady, and she still keeps in touch with us. On the day we lost you she led the team in their drive to bring you back, she cared and respected us as parents and you as the patient, she made sure we were taken care of, and did this for the 8 hours we were at the hospital. We gifted to your uncle, aunt and cousins. You were lucky enough to have met them on the day you were born.
The boxes are filled with love and are just a little gift to make someone smile. We couldn’t plan a party, or fill party bags, but we could do this. I’m so proud we did it and that your siblings had such a part in it. They packed the boxes, talked about why we were doing them and how we could deliver them.
Molly insisted we sing you happy birthday tonight as we had your birthday cake, she was so proud. It’s sad to think she didn’t meet you, but she is growing up with her own image of you and what you would like. She will often come home from nursery saying they found a white Charlie feather. Luckily she isn’t tinged with the sadness and the trauma of what happened, so her memories are happy thoughts.
I don’t think I will ever get over losing you, I have learnt to deal with so much of the trauma, but there are some things I just can’t quite set free. Remembering what it was like to hold your weight in my arms, that is a feeling I long for and think I will until the day I die. Feelings towards a particular person who should have done more, who didn’t show remorse or even apologise for her part, that is the hardest. Daddy says there is a lot of blame, it was a lot of training errors, system errors, and yes there was, we know that from the public apology from the hospital, and from the public inquest, but I just can’t change how I feel about her.
But today Charlie we celebrate you, your amazing birth, the amazing strength you had to be with us for such a short amount of time. We smile as we remember you didn’t have a name for the first 24 hours, as we couldn’t agree on a name, of your first bath in the sink, Of how long your finger nails were, of snuggling on my chest, how so tiny you were that nappies nor clothes fitted you.
Have an amazing birthday in the stars Charlie. I hope grandad is looking after you, and that Henri found you. We love you so very much Charlie. For as long as I live, there will always be a Charlie shaped hole in my heart. I long to cuddle you again, to tell you how much we love and miss you. Nothing makes it better, nothing makes it easier. Always loved, forever missed and never forgotten. love mummy xxxxxx