It feels like a lifetime since I last blogged. I can’t believe another year is over. Another year without you.
How are you meant to move on following the loss of your child? I have been diagnosed with a complicated grief adjustment disorder. How could anyone not have their mind and emotions completely blown by what has happened. How am I meant to adjust to life without you? Should I stop wondering what you would become? Should I just accept you will always be our baby who flies instead of walks? Should I just accept some people just don’t like to talk about you or to acknowledge you in front of us or your siblings?
Counselling is tough, but it is a good kind of tough. My memories are so stuck at 29 hours of trauma, excitement, and more trauma, that I have been advised to extend my memories to include my pregnancy, the music you liked, the scans, the excitement of you.
I have done a lot of revisiting lately. I went through your memory box, I looked through the birth congratulation cards a well as sympathy cards. It reminded me due to the speed we had you and lost you we had a couple of weeks of receiving both birth and sympathy cards at the same time. I remember the Tesco delivery man arriving just a couple of days after loosing you, and he congratulated me, I then had to correct him and say ” we did have a little boy, but he died”. It was and still feels so normal for me to talk about, I feel so detached from it all.
I have gone through the press cuttings following your death, the inquest and the learning. When I feel stronger I will be compiling them all to tell the full story of you Charlie. Right now they are just kept safe.
The most precious thing I have, that still smells of you is my cardigan. The last few weeks I have taken to lifting it out of the box and just smelling it. Weird for some but it takes me back, back to you in my arms. I love that smell and I hope it will never go, but I have a feeling it will, like memories fade into the distance, I worry the smell will to.
Just lately going through daddy’s camera, we discovered some pictures (we forgot all about them), taken just 1 month before you were born. They capture a beautiful moment of mummy, Lottie and Harry’s hands all on my Bump, you. We were all so excited. Finding these few photos have been both amazing and heartbreaking. Amazing as I remember it was Easter, we were all so excited, Harry and Lottie loved feeling you move. But also heartbreaking, because in that picture you were safe, you were alive, you were a wonderful surprise.
Revisiting is tough, but it reminds me of how important it is we talk about you, we allow your siblings to talk about you, to wonder what you would be like. We understand not everyone thinks like we do, not everyone wants to talk about you, and as much as it hurts as it feels they don’t care, that is their choice and we can’t change them.
But it reminds me that when someone you love dies they don’t disappear, they just move on, they are always there, just a heartbeat away. Charlie you will always remain in our hearts and our lives. We will continue to tell your story to ensure people learn, we will openly talk about you, and wonder what you would be like, we will continue to sign your name on our cards.
An important lesson I have learnt on this journey, is that just the simple acknowledgment of your name in our family card means the world to me. As a mum to know my child is talked about and mentioned shows they aren’t forgotten. They aren’t making me sad by reminding me you died, they make me happy and proud that they have remembered you and aren’t afraid to talk about you.
As another year closes and a new one begins, I wonder what it will bring?
You will forever be our robin in winter time who visits the garden, a beautiful white butterfly that flutters with us wherever we go and the delicate white fluffy feathers that land at our feet when we need you the most.
Love you always and forever baby boy xxxxxx